Romance

During the Romance Cycle love is literally blind! God made it that way. Due to the strong feelings of love, the couple will at first overlook each other’s obvious shortcomings and weaknesses even if other people point them out. They are totally oblivious of the possible potholes in the relationship and actually think there will be no problems up ahead. This is wonderful and acceptable in the framework of the cycles in marriage.

They enjoy each other’s company and do things together that excite them and hope that life will stay that way. Even when they face hardships they seem to sail through because love carries them through.

But eventually the honeymoon wears off and reality kicks in. There are moments that they see each other as they really are. At first they ignore it as if it never happened, but when these moments happen frequently they begin to think that something is wrong. They begin to ask each other, ‘what’s wrong honey?’

The book of Revelation warns about loosing one’s first love. In order to retain the first love one has to develop mature love that understands the cycles of marriage and is willing to change and adapt as both of the marriage partners go through various changes in their personal lives. They are not the same two people who got married many years ago.

Disillusionment

Disillusionment normally sets in within the first two years of marriage when both parties realize they have not married the perfect partner they were dreaming about. Suddenly little things start to irritate them both about each other. They begin to have second thoughts and wonder if they did the right thing. The Romance Cycle is over and the Cycle of Enlightenment has begun. This is where the Grace of God is needed to survive the onslaught of doubt in a marriage. The world’s systems do not assist couples during this Cycle. Movies and the media often give out that divorce is a better option and even give the idea that affairs outside of marriage are more exciting and glamorous. Professional Counselors often give unbiblical advice to couples causing the disintegration of marriage.

Because of disillusionment the couple begins to engage in a battle to change each other the way they would like their partner to be.

Power Play

Because of disillusionment the husband and wife will fight with each other to try to get back their former partner as they were during the Romance period. The husband wants the girl friend back. The wife wants her romantic hero back. But unfortunately they now see each other as they really are: the wife with curlers in the hair and the husband snoring next to her. Suddenly they begin to fight to see who can change the other one into the person they want them to be. This is totally selfish of course, but no one would ever admit it. They demand things of each other and they deny things from each other. They are matching wits and strengths and no one is prepared to give an inch. Unless they are taught to live according to the principles contained in the Life of Christ, they might continue fighting for the rest of their married lives if the marriage survives the crisis. If there are children at this stage, they suffer tremendously by the emotional outbursts and they are disillusioned about marriage per se. The couple that recognizes the Cycle of Power Play will avoid permanent damage to the lives of an entire family. But the couple that stays blind because of their pride and hardness of heart, will have to face the consequences of their stubbornness.

This is where close friends could give clarity to wake the couple up to see that they are no longer the same people who got married many years ago. They have to adapt and change their approach to each other.

Awakening

They begin to see that their differences might be the key to holding the marriage together. If they acknowledge the differences and begin to make room for each other they would find a new depth in relationship they never had before. The husband has to learn to love his wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it. The wife has to learn to submit to her own husband in Christ and respect him as Sarah respected Abraham without fearing the consequences of her submission. During this phase a couple could discover the riches of God in each other – the eyes of their understanding being enlightened to know their calling, the riches in each other and the power of God that works mightily through believers. They could begin to see how much they could mean to other people if they could overcome their own problems. When they are willing to deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Christ Jesus, they will find out that their yoke is easy and their burden is light.  But if they refuse to see Christ in each other, the burden will become heavy and the yoke hard.

In order to go on to maturity as a couple, self denial (not self-justification) is vitally important. Paul says I die daily so that Christ may live in me. This is a mature outlook on life, instead of feeling sorry for oneself all the time.

Maturity

When both parties realize they have to live with someone who is not quite perfect but they have learned to treat each other with respect and admiration, treating each other kindly and speaking graciously to the most valuable asset they will ever have in life: each other.

The husband needs some time alone and needs some friends of his own. The wife needs free time and some friends of her own. They have to make space for each other, because intimacy can sometimes cramp one’s space. There has to be agreement for times of separation according to the word of the Lord after which they come together again so as not to be tempted by the devil.

During the Maturity Cycle the wife might come to accept the things about her husband that used to irritate her with a smile, knowing that she is not able to change him after all. The husband will begin to accept his wife on the basis that she is not a man but a woman and treat her with care and respect as the weaker vessel, so that their prayers will not be hindered.

They will encourage each other to develop their own hobbies or past times and begin to enjoy each other’s interests. They have discovered that their differences hold the key to an interesting life together. The one helps the other to fulfill their destinies.

Long Term Commitment

Bonding experiences such as doing things together again, like they did during the Romance Cycle, having set dates for dinners, or having friends over, or learning a new course together could be stimulating and they might feel like university students all over again. Their interest in one another flares up again and they break out of the monotony of the routines of life for a while – to come up for fresh air as it were.

The couple has to realize that children cannot be the only bond between them, because when the children leave their parent’s home the parents still have to carry on with their relationship. Therefore other interests are invaluable in a relationship.

The wife might like to see a friend of hers on a regular basis and the husband might like to go fishing or go out with some of his friends. A mature relationship will allow these activities without suspicion.

Reading the bible together and sharing the wisdom from the word of God is one of the most powerful bonding experiences besides praying together. A couple that prays together, stays together!

Learning to make room for each other is necessary for a marriage to survive all the onslaughts of hell against it. Marriage speaks of Christ and the Church and is therefore holy. Holiness is another key to a successful marriage.

Humility is probably the keystone to keep a couple in a healthy relationship. Both husband and wife should be willing to humble themselves before the mighty hand of God and stay in submission the Him in order to overcome all the stumbling blocks in life and marriage.

We have a cloud of witnesses in the bible and in life of those couples who, by the grace of God, have managed to live a happy and fulfilled life, in spite of all the odds they had to face. What God has done for others, He can do for you, if you only believe and trust Him too!

Thankfulness is another key in a happy marriage – just the fact that one is able to find a partner that is willing to enter a marriage relationship should be sufficient cause for gratitude. He who finds a wife has found favor with God and vice versa. Let us see the riches of God in one another and never allow intimacy to breed contempt.

There has to be forgiveness in a marriage relationship too, because both will fail sooner or later. Forgiveness is a part of true love. God teaches us to forgive each other as He forgives our trespasses. If we hold things against each other we may jeopardize our privilege to obtain forgiveness from our Creator.

One should not allow friends of family to bring a rift between a husband and wife. An interfering mother in law causes more harm than good. A couple must also learn not to share every detail of their marriage with other people, especially not with the mother in law who could use this info as weapons later on. Take everything rather to God in prayer and leave it there. He is the only one you could trust with the details of your life! He can forgive and forget – which people cannot do. People hold things against you for a life time if they want to.

Lastly, learn to serve each other. Servant hood is a result of meekness in a life. Being willing to be the least is a key to a blessed relationship. This was the trademark of the life of Jesus Christ: He came to serve and not to be served. 

Being part of a church, an apostolic company of people, where grace and peace are imparted to the saints, has ramifications far beyond perception. Spiritual graces work in the unseen realm and God takes care of so many things we think we have to take care of when we make seeking God the most pre-eminent thing in our lives – even our marriage!